Unconditional Love and Acceptance?

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Martin Bobgan, PhD.

Among the stellar emotional needs of humanistic psychology are unconditional acceptance, unconditional self-regard, unconditional self-acceptance, and unconditional love. The meaning of the word unconditional is “without conditions or reservations; absolute.”1 The practical extension of the theories of unconditional love is a permissive attitude and a morally nonrestrictive atmosphere. That means no conditions or restrictions in child rearing, counseling, and other human relationships. Since the parent or counselor is to be giving unconditional love, it must be an absolute love, unrestricted by human feelings or failings, since the very meaning of the word is “absolute.” But, if there is any absolute when it comes to love, it is that human love is limited. It is not what it was originally created to be, even in the best of people and circumstances, except when Jesus Himself is loving in and through a person.

Adler and Maslow considered these “unconditionals” to be basic human needs, essential to a person’s sense of wellbeing. They taught that people need to be loved and accepted unconditionally—without any conditions of performance. Thus their followers teach that parents must love and accept their children unconditionally. Moreover, they encourage all people to love and accept themselves unconditionally.

Adler, Maslow, Rogers and others believed that a human being will find answers to his own dilemmas and naturally blossom into his best self in an atmosphere of unconditional love and acceptance, by which they meant a permissive, unstructured atmosphere. Nevertheless, as much as they would like to think that they themselves loved their clients unconditionally, the truth of the matter is this: people are not able to love unconditionally.

The Myth of Unconditional Love

Unconditional love is a myth. That is because the human is naturally self-biased and the human heart is so deceitful that one can fool himself into thinking that he is loving unconditionally, when in fact he has all kinds of conditions. For instance, what kind of unconditional love and unconditional positive regard is at work when the client can no longer pay for services and therapy is discontinued? Furthermore, even the most nondirective counselors express approval or disapproval in subtle, if not direct, ways.2

The idea of people improving their life in an atmosphere of unconditional love is founded on the premise that people are born good and that their natural inclination to goodness is thwarted by their environment (mainly parents). In such a system, self is the victim of society but finds salvation, freedom, and fulfillment through unconditional self-love and self-acceptance. Unconditional love cannot be based upon performance or it wouldn’t be unconditional. Therefore, it must be based on the intrinsic worth of the person. Paul Brownback, in his book The Danger of Self-Love, explains it this way:

. . . by unconditional love we are speaking of love on the basis of being rather than doing. One implication of this teaching is the place of grandeur that it gives to the human being. I am lovable just because I am human; therefore being human, in and of itself, regardless of what I do with my humanness, must have some sort of independent value or worth. It is by itself a sufficient claim to respect and esteem.3

Thus, according to these self theories, everyone is born with the right to receive unconditional love and unconditional acceptance throughout his entire life, no matter what!

Pastors assigned to shepherd God’s flocks, should have been alert to the subtleties of deception that would turn a believer’s eyes from God to self. But alas, rather than warning the sheep, many of the shepherds have joined the psychologists and embrace their teachings of unconditional love and unconditional acceptance.

A Misunderstanding of God’s Love

The basis for their eager embrace is a misunderstanding of the love of God which passes knowledge. They equate unconditional love and acceptance with the fact that God’s love is vast, unfathomable, and unmerited. Then they follow that with the idea that if God loves and accepts people unconditionally, they should also love and accept themselves unconditionally. While this may sound like a logical progression, there are some serious problems with the basic assumptions. Therefore, we must address the question: Is God’s love unconditional? Are there any conditions that must be met to become a recipient of His love?

Paul prayed that the believers in Ephesus would be able to comprehend the breadth, length, depth and height of God’s love. He desired that they know the love of Christ, which surpasses knowledge, so that they would be filled with the fullness of God (Ephesians 3:16-19). The wide expanse of God’s love has been the theme of the gospel throughout the ages, for to know His love is to know Him. Therefore, any consideration of His love is highly important and must be based upon His revelation of Himself rather than upon the imagination of men.

Love According to Secular Humanism

Ever since the rise of secular humanism in this country and especially since the establishment of humanistic psychology, the popular, “relevant” term to describe God’s love has been unconditional. The thrust of this word in humanistic psychology has been both to give and to expect unconditional love from one another with no strings attached. While unconditional love and acceptance supposedly promote change and growth, they make no requirements. But God, who is love, requires and produces radical change—new life—and He enables His children to grow in righteousness.

In humanistic psychology, parents and society are always the culprits. Since they believe that every person is born with intrinsic worth and innate goodness, psychologists contend that one main reason people experience emotional and behavioral problems is because they have not received unconditional love from their parents. Following that thesis, Christians have come to believe that the best kind of love is unconditional love. It is the highest love secular humanists know. It is touted as a love that makes no demands for performance, good behavior, or the like. It has also been associated with a kind of permissiveness, since it makes no demands and has no conditions, even though the promoters of the unconditional love jargon would say that unconditional love does not have to dispense with discipline.

God’s Love Revealed through Scripture

Because the concept of unconditional love permeates society and because it is often thought of as the highest form of human love, it is natural for a Christian to use this term to describe God. After all, His love is far greater than any human love imaginable. God’s love for humanity is so great that “He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life” (John 3:16). Oh, the magnitude of the cost! We cannot even fathom His love even though our very breath depends upon it! His love indeed reaches to the heights and depths. Nevertheless, is God’s love truly unconditional?

God’s love is available to human beings by grace alone. There is nothing anyone can do to earn that love. There is no good work that is either demanded or even possible. Does that make God’s love unconditional? Because unconditional love is absolute and without any conditions whatsoever, all men would be saved if God’s love were unconditional. But that would be universalism. That would nullify the need for Christ’s sacrificial death and God’s condition of salvation by grace through faith.

We must also ask, does God’s love apply to the person who has sinned against the Holy Spirit by refusing to receive His grace throughout his lifetime and who is destined for hell? God chooses upon whom He will place His love and the benefits of his love. Did Jesus ever imply that God’s love is unconditional? He said to His disciples:

He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him (John 14:21).

One might argue, however, that the story of the prodigal son proves unconditional love. It indeed illustrates the vastness of God’s love, forgiveness and longsuffering. However, the son repented. If he had had a prosperous evil life he may never have repented. And while the father would have waited and hoped, he would not have extended his love. After all, he did not go out searching for him to support his folly. Up to a point this seems to indicate unconditional love, and yet, God is not waiting in ignorance, not knowing what those for whom His son died might be doing. He knows, and there comes a time when those who have refused his offer of love and forgiveness die and face the judgment. It is difficult enough to understand God’s love without adding the term unconditional which is loaded with secular, humanistic, psychological connotations. The story of the prodigal son teaches grace, forgiveness and mercy—but unconditional love? No!

While God loves with a greater love than humans can comprehend, His holiness and justice also must be taken into consideration. Therefore the term unconditional love is inadequate for defining God. It does not account for God’s reaction to pompous men who devise plans against Him and His anointed. The psalmist goes so far as to say:

He that sitteth in the heavens shall laugh: the Lord shall have them in derision. Then shall he speak to them in his wrath, and vex them in his sore displeasure (Psalm 2:4-5).

And what about Lot’s wife as she turned to look at the smoldering cities? Or what about Jesus’ words to the cities that refused to repent?

Woe unto thee, Chorazin! woe unto thee, Bethsaida! for if the mighty works, which were done in you, had been done in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago in sackcloth and ashes. But I say unto you, It shall be more tolerable for Tyre and Sidon at the day of judgment, than for you. And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted unto heaven, shalt be brought down to hell . . . . it shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom in the day of judgment, than for thee (Matthew 11:21-24).

Does that sound like unconditional love?

But perhaps one could say that God’s love for the Christian is unconditional since the Christian partakes of His love and grace through faith. Wouldn’t it be better to say that the conditions have been met? Jesus met the first condition, to wash away the sin that God hates. The believer meets the second condition by grace through faith. Or, perhaps it would be better to say that God’s love extended to a person is conditioned by His plan to give eternal life to those who believe on His Son. The conditions of God’s love are resident within Himself.

There is a strong temptation to use vocabulary that is popular in society in order to make Christianity sound relevant. Christians have something far better than what the world offers, but in expressing that good news they confuse people by using words that are already loaded with humanistic connotations and systems of thought. It would be better not to use the expression unconditional love when describing God’s love. There are plenty of other good words.

In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him.

Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. . . .
And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him (1 John 4:9, 10, 16).

The incomprehensible magnitude of God’s love surpasses any concept of love devised by humanistic psychologists. The doctrine of unconditional love is a myth that glorifies man rather than God.

1. Webster’s New Universal Unabridged Dictionary, Second Edition, 1983.
2. Jay Haley. Strategies of Psychotherapy. New York: Grune & Stratton, Inc., 1963, pp. 71, 82.
3. Paul Brownback. The Danger of Self-Love. Chicago: Moody Press, 1982, p. 66.

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Re-filled? Yes! While being persecuted for Jesus, the apostles cried out to the LORD…….

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Reconciling with God and other Saints

“He that turneth away his ear from hearing the law (the Word), even his prayer shall be abomination.” Proverbs 28:9

Those who do not love God enough to seek Him in the Word, to learn, and to obey Him, will not be heard by Him.

“He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.” Proverbs 28:13

In general, because God is “Holy, holy, holy,” when there is sin, God will not answer prayers – until the sinner repents and reconciles with the LORD and any person involved as needed (Isaiah 6:3; Revelation 4:8; Proverbs 28:9, etc.).

“And the LORD said unto Joshua, Get thee up; wherefore liest thou thus upon thy face? 11 Israel hath sinned …” Joshua 7:10-11

In other words, God said to Joshua “Why are you seeking My face, praying to me, talking to me, when there is sin in the camp? Get the sin our of the camp and then you can approach Me in prayer.”

STOP PRAYING AND LEAVE IT!

God is not going to bless our lives unless we are willing to sincerely admit our sins, repent and confess them, and make amends (restitution) with anyone we’ve harmed. In the divine economy, there’s no such thing as being right with God when you’ve done another person wrong, haven’t repented, and haven’t made amends for what you’ve done. Such a person will be outside of the will and blessings of God until he makes things right with God and man.

God is not hearing the prayers or worship of any person who has done someone else wrong and refuses to make restitution (Matthew 5:23-24).

“Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; FIRST be reconciled to thy brother, and THEN come and offer thy gift.” Matthew 5:23-24

God will not answer the prayer of any person who does not honor and obey His Word and if a person has an outstanding offense He wants them to clear up these matters (Proverbs 28:9, 13).

Here Jesus gave us the instruction to stop praying! What!? Someone may be thinking “Todd, are you being sacrilegious now!? What is your problem brother!?” Keep reading okay.

“If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me:” Psalms 66:18

“If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you.” John 15:7

According to the Son of God, just when (if ever) should the believer stop praying? When he remembers that a brother has “aught against” him. Yes, I know this may raise eyebrows to say that Jesus told us to stop praying, but He certainly did. That’s what we read of His very words in Matthew 5.

He instructs us not to wait for the other person to come to you. Go to them and make peace. Work things out so that neither of your relationships with God will be in any way hindered. Forgive. Seek restitution and forgiveness. The Christian life is all about relationship – vertically first and them horizontally.

Jesus is saying here: “Stop praying or doing any form of worship until you have first done all you can possibly do to make peace with that person you had strife or misunderstanding with, offended, or wounded – the person that still has aught against you, whose heart isn’t yet clear in the matter. Your prayers and any form of supposed worship will not be honored in Heaven until you take care of this matter. Since I am holy I require certain things of you and one of them is that you do your best to keep unity with others, especially My people. Remember how I told you to love one another and to treat others as you wish to be treated? I love you and want clear communion with you and am simply not going to allow you to have a clear conscience until you work things out with that other person who has aught against you. Remember that though I love you, I care about others as much as I care about you. Get that human relationship right first and then come and seek My face in worship and we shall commune.”

God forgives us through Christ’s perfect sacrifice and as we choose to give it out to others! WHO might you have aught against in your heart today beloved?

As a believer, the LORD holds me personally accountable to facilitate reconciliation and peace in others when there is a rift and no matter whose fault it is (Matt. 5:23-24).

First and foremost we must realize that when we sin it is against the One who is “holy, holy, holy” (Isa. 6:3; Rev. 4:8). After that fact, we at times sin against or offend men (James 3:1). So, when we have wrongly offended someone who is created in the image of God, we should first confess that sin to the LORD and then do whatever it takes within our power to make it right with the person.

“Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it. 28 Say not unto thy neighbour, Go, and come again, and to morrow I will give; when thou hast it by thee.” Proverbs 3:27-28

“Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another. 26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: 27 Neither give place to the devil.” Ephesians 4:25-27

Child of God, are you aware of anyone who might be upset with you for something you have done or they thought you did? Is anyone offended at you?

This writer is no stranger to wronging people, but is learning to follow this simple truth in Matthew 5, making sure to openly and transparently facilitate healing in those I have brought hurt to or who are offended at me for any legitimate reason.

Granted, we are going to offend people at times when it is not our fault. I am not talking about that. I am talking about when it is our fault or the situation is questionable or a close call.

Have you been offended? Have you ever found yourself in a situation where someone else held the key to your closure, your healing? Think back in your life: Have you ever needed someone else’s help in getting free in your heart from something concerning a situation?

Jesus called the divine Person of the Holy Spirit “the Comforter” (Jn. 14:26; 15:26; 16:7). God is all-powerful and can help us walk through a heart-rending ordeal where another person has hurt us and is unwilling to partake of the healing process according to the Word/instructions of the LORD. This He can and will do, yet He holds that other person responsible for doing their part – “Leave there thy gift before the altar – FIRST be reconciled to thy brother.”

Those made righteous by the blood of Christ are to do all in their power to facilitate healing in others.

“If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.” Romans 12:18

Jesus Christ came to make captives free and such freedom is the desire of all who follow Him. They desire also to see people set free and do their part when it is in the power of their hand to help (Prov. 3:27).

“Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

When need be, we are to work hard to make sure God’s peace abides among the saints.

“Endeavouring (working hard) to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” Ephesians 4:3

“Endeavouring” – it’s hard work at times to keep unity in the body. Have you noticed that things happen that need attention, patience, humility, admission where wrong has been done, etc.?

It is our personal responsibility to keep schisms out of Christ’s body as much as it is in our power.

“That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another. And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it. Now ye are the body of Christ, and members in particular.” 1 Corinthians 12:25-27

The LORD promises us that He commands His precious peace where brethren dwell together in unity.

“Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity! It is like the precious ointment upon the head, that ran down upon the beard, even Aaron’s beard: that went down to the skirts of his garments; As the dew of Hermon, and as the dew that descended upon the mountains of Zion: for there (in the unity of believers) the LORD commanded the blessing, even life for evermore.” Psalms 133:1-3

The person who is truly born again cares for the body of Christ. Peace among the saints is where God’s blessing abides.

“We know that we have passed from death unto life (we know we are saved), BECAUSE we love the brethren.” 1 John 3:14

Without love we are nothing (1 Cor. 13). Divine love, authentically demonstrated in our lives, is the earmark fruit of the Heaven-bound disciple. There are no exceptions – “He that loveth not knoweth not God” (1 Jn. 4:8). If such charitable love does not presently appear in our lives, we should consider going before the throne of grace and making things right with God (repentance). The genuinely born again person is filled with God’s love and teachable in the precepts of the LORD. When he discovers a previously unknown (to him) truth, he swiftly hearkens and obeys. Remember, God’s eternal kingdom and the terms for entrance into it are based on the LORD’s terms and not any individual’s. Either we meet the terms and conditions or we shall be found without (Matt. 7:21-23; Lk. 6:46-49; 13:24-30; 1 Jn. 2:3-5; Rev. 2-3).

“We know that we have passed from death unto life (we know we are saved – been brought from spiritual death to spiritual life), BECAUSE we love the brethren. He that loveth not his brother abideth in death. Whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer: and ye know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him. Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.” 1 John 3:14-16

Child of God, do you have a key that would help another get free? If you possess the key that would assist in obtaining their freedom, the LORD holds you personally responsible to use it to help unlock that person’s heart and assist in their returning to a heart that is right with God, free from anything that hinders that relationship.

“Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath.” Ephesians 4:26

Don’t let the sun go down upon that which you can do to cause reconciliation in Christ’s body for which He bled. Leave your prayer closet and any and all worship and go get things right with that person the LORD may be placing on your heart. You will be glad you obeyed the LORD in this.

You see, if we truly have an intimate and saving relationship with Christ, we realize that nothing could be more important to us – and others. Knowing Jesus is everything. Armed with this knowledge and moved upon by the Holy Spirit, we are to be compelled to help others in their relationship with Jesus in any way we possibly can.

PRAYER: Father in Heaven, thank You for sending Your only begotten Son Jesus to live and die for me – for all of my many sins. This moment, I turn my life to Thee O God – asking Your merciful forgiveness on my sin of departing from You. Right this instant I ask You to please be my first love LORD Jesus! Bless this heart with sensitivity and a deep conviction for Your truth. Please allow this heart to have godly conviction! Please bless this life You graciously gave lift others to You and help them in any and every way I have opportunity. I am all Yours and You are all mine my LORD. Quicken my heart in any matter that You wish me to make amends with another person. Right now I now humble myself under Your mighty hand and ask You to use me to help facilitate peace between You and others Jesus, and in Your body. Please bless Your body to live in Your love, and Your truth and in peace with You and one another. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

For a topical study of deeper proportions on this subject, see The Blood of Jesus.

If you truly desire to know more about how to really know the LORD, go here: Born Again: What is It?

PEACE with GOD

“For in Many Things We Offend All” [podcast]

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