Unconditional Love and Acceptance?

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Martin Bobgan, PhD.

Among the stellar emotional needs of humanistic psychology are unconditional acceptance, unconditional self-regard, unconditional self-acceptance, and unconditional love. The meaning of the word unconditional is “without conditions or reservations; absolute.”1 The practical extension of the theories of unconditional love is a permissive attitude and a morally nonrestrictive atmosphere. That means no conditions or restrictions in child rearing, counseling, and other human relationships. Since the parent or counselor is to be giving unconditional love, it must be an absolute love, unrestricted by human feelings or failings, since the very meaning of the word is “absolute.” But, if there is any absolute when it comes to love, it is that human love is limited. It is not what it was originally created to be, even in the best of people and circumstances, except when Jesus Himself is loving in and through a person.

Adler and Maslow considered these “unconditionals” to be basic human needs, essential to a person’s sense of wellbeing. They taught that people need to be loved and accepted unconditionally—without any conditions of performance. Thus their followers teach that parents must love and accept their children unconditionally. Moreover, they encourage all people to love and accept themselves unconditionally.

Adler, Maslow, Rogers and others believed that a human being will find answers to his own dilemmas and naturally blossom into his best self in an atmosphere of unconditional love and acceptance, by which they meant a permissive, unstructured atmosphere. Nevertheless, as much as they would like to think that they themselves loved their clients unconditionally, the truth of the matter is this: people are not able to love unconditionally.

The Myth of Unconditional Love

Unconditional love is a myth. That is because the human is naturally self-biased and the human heart is so deceitful that one can fool himself into thinking that he is loving unconditionally, when in fact he has all kinds of conditions. For instance, what kind of unconditional love and unconditional positive regard is at work when the client can no longer pay for services and therapy is discontinued? Furthermore, even the most nondirective counselors express approval or disapproval in subtle, if not direct, ways.2

The idea of people improving their life in an atmosphere of unconditional love is founded on the premise that people are born good and that their natural inclination to goodness is thwarted by their environment (mainly parents). In such a system, self is the victim of society but finds salvation, freedom, and fulfillment through unconditional self-love and self-acceptance. Unconditional love cannot be based upon performance or it wouldn’t be unconditional. Therefore, it must be based on the intrinsic worth of the person. Paul Brownback, in his book The Danger of Self-Love, explains it this way:

. . . by unconditional love we are speaking of love on the basis of being rather than doing. One implication of this teaching is the place of grandeur that it gives to the human being. I am lovable just because I am human; therefore being human, in and of itself, regardless of what I do with my humanness, must have some sort of independent value or worth. It is by itself a sufficient claim to respect and esteem.3

Thus, according to these self theories, everyone is born with the right to receive unconditional love and unconditional acceptance throughout his entire life, no matter what!

Pastors assigned to shepherd God’s flocks, should have been alert to the subtleties of deception that would turn a believer’s eyes from God to self. But alas, rather than warning the sheep, many of the shepherds have joined the psychologists and embrace their teachings of unconditional love and unconditional acceptance.

A Misunderstanding of God’s Love

The basis for their eager embrace is a misunderstanding of the love of God which passes knowledge. They equate unconditional love and acceptance with the fact that God’s love is vast, unfathomable, and unmerited. Then they follow that with the idea that if God loves and accepts people unconditionally, they should also love and accept themselves unconditionally. While this may sound like a logical progression, there are some serious problems with the basic assumptions. Therefore, we must address the question: Is God’s love unconditional? Are there any conditions that must be met to become a recipient of His love?

Paul prayed that the believers in Ephesus would be able to comprehend the breadth, length, depth and height of God’s love. He desired that they know the love of Christ, which surpasses knowledge, so that they would be filled with the fullness of God (Ephesians 3:16-19). The wide expanse of God’s love has been the theme of the gospel throughout the ages, for to know His love is to know Him. Therefore, any consideration of His love is highly important and must be based upon His revelation of Himself rather than upon the imagination of men.

Love According to Secular Humanism

Ever since the rise of secular humanism in this country and especially since the establishment of humanistic psychology, the popular, “relevant” term to describe God’s love has been unconditional. The thrust of this word in humanistic psychology has been both to give and to expect unconditional love from one another with no strings attached. While unconditional love and acceptance supposedly promote change and growth, they make no requirements. But God, who is love, requires and produces radical change—new life—and He enables His children to grow in righteousness.

In humanistic psychology, parents and society are always the culprits. Since they believe that every person is born with intrinsic worth and innate goodness, psychologists contend that one main reason people experience emotional and behavioral problems is because they have not received unconditional love from their parents. Following that thesis, Christians have come to believe that the best kind of love is unconditional love. It is the highest love secular humanists know. It is touted as a love that makes no demands for performance, good behavior, or the like. It has also been associated with a kind of permissiveness, since it makes no demands and has no conditions, even though the promoters of the unconditional love jargon would say that unconditional love does not have to dispense with discipline.

God’s Love Revealed through Scripture

Because the concept of unconditional love permeates society and because it is often thought of as the highest form of human love, it is natural for a Christian to use this term to describe God. After all, His love is far greater than any human love imaginable. God’s love for humanity is so great that “He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life” (John 3:16). Oh, the magnitude of the cost! We cannot even fathom His love even though our very breath depends upon it! His love indeed reaches to the heights and depths. Nevertheless, is God’s love truly unconditional?

God’s love is available to human beings by grace alone. There is nothing anyone can do to earn that love. There is no good work that is either demanded or even possible. Does that make God’s love unconditional? Because unconditional love is absolute and without any conditions whatsoever, all men would be saved if God’s love were unconditional. But that would be universalism. That would nullify the need for Christ’s sacrificial death and God’s condition of salvation by grace through faith.

We must also ask, does God’s love apply to the person who has sinned against the Holy Spirit by refusing to receive His grace throughout his lifetime and who is destined for hell? God chooses upon whom He will place His love and the benefits of his love. Did Jesus ever imply that God’s love is unconditional? He said to His disciples:

He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him (John 14:21).

One might argue, however, that the story of the prodigal son proves unconditional love. It indeed illustrates the vastness of God’s love, forgiveness and longsuffering. However, the son repented. If he had had a prosperous evil life he may never have repented. And while the father would have waited and hoped, he would not have extended his love. After all, he did not go out searching for him to support his folly. Up to a point this seems to indicate unconditional love, and yet, God is not waiting in ignorance, not knowing what those for whom His son died might be doing. He knows, and there comes a time when those who have refused his offer of love and forgiveness die and face the judgment. It is difficult enough to understand God’s love without adding the term unconditional which is loaded with secular, humanistic, psychological connotations. The story of the prodigal son teaches grace, forgiveness and mercy—but unconditional love? No!

While God loves with a greater love than humans can comprehend, His holiness and justice also must be taken into consideration. Therefore the term unconditional love is inadequate for defining God. It does not account for God’s reaction to pompous men who devise plans against Him and His anointed. The psalmist goes so far as to say:

He that sitteth in the heavens shall laugh: the Lord shall have them in derision. Then shall he speak to them in his wrath, and vex them in his sore displeasure (Psalm 2:4-5).

And what about Lot’s wife as she turned to look at the smoldering cities? Or what about Jesus’ words to the cities that refused to repent?

Woe unto thee, Chorazin! woe unto thee, Bethsaida! for if the mighty works, which were done in you, had been done in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago in sackcloth and ashes. But I say unto you, It shall be more tolerable for Tyre and Sidon at the day of judgment, than for you. And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted unto heaven, shalt be brought down to hell . . . . it shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom in the day of judgment, than for thee (Matthew 11:21-24).

Does that sound like unconditional love?

But perhaps one could say that God’s love for the Christian is unconditional since the Christian partakes of His love and grace through faith. Wouldn’t it be better to say that the conditions have been met? Jesus met the first condition, to wash away the sin that God hates. The believer meets the second condition by grace through faith. Or, perhaps it would be better to say that God’s love extended to a person is conditioned by His plan to give eternal life to those who believe on His Son. The conditions of God’s love are resident within Himself.

There is a strong temptation to use vocabulary that is popular in society in order to make Christianity sound relevant. Christians have something far better than what the world offers, but in expressing that good news they confuse people by using words that are already loaded with humanistic connotations and systems of thought. It would be better not to use the expression unconditional love when describing God’s love. There are plenty of other good words.

In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him.

Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. . . .
And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him (1 John 4:9, 10, 16).

The incomprehensible magnitude of God’s love surpasses any concept of love devised by humanistic psychologists. The doctrine of unconditional love is a myth that glorifies man rather than God.

1. Webster’s New Universal Unabridged Dictionary, Second Edition, 1983.
2. Jay Haley. Strategies of Psychotherapy. New York: Grune & Stratton, Inc., 1963, pp. 71, 82.
3. Paul Brownback. The Danger of Self-Love. Chicago: Moody Press, 1982, p. 66.

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“And he believed in the Lord; and he counted it to him for righteousness.” Genesis 15:6

“And the scripture was fulfilled which saith, Abraham believed God, and it was imputed unto him for righteousness: and he was called the Friend of God.” James 2:23

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The law brings repentance, salvation while thereafter the crucified life, the cross keeps us from that sin which once separated us from the LORD, who now has saved us (Psalms 19:7; Romans 6).

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“Know ye not, that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey; whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness?” Romans 6:16

WHO we yield ourselves to today, proves who we truly love – either the Savior or self.

“But we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God which raiseth the dead:” 2 Corinthians 1:9

We must declare and establish “the sentence of death in ourselves” so that our trust is in God who raised Christ from the dead and raises up all of His saints as they are crucified with Christ.

“I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20

Tired of sinful self and wanting it out of your way? Here’s the divine prescription: “But I keep under (subdue) my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway” (1 Corinthians 9:27).

The fact that Jesus is coming back for a church, a people who are holy, let us peer into what the Bible tells us concerning overcoming the flesh, sin (Romans 6-8).

Jesus never said to try or try harder. no, Jesus says you must die to follow Him (Luke 9:23-24; John 12:23-25, etc.).

Jesus is sanctifying and cleansing by His Word a people, a church “a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish” (Ephesians 5:25-27).

Times of fasting and prayer are doing yourself a favor and not God. Yes. You are crucifying self, getting self out of God’s way so that Christ is reigning in your life in place of sinful self! This should be viewed with absolute delight! (See Psalms 37:4; Hosea 6:6; Matthew 9:13, etc..) You are crying, you are driving a stake in the ground and declaring: “LORD, You must increase but I must decrease!” (See John 3:30.) That’s the “daily” operation of the cross God has ordained to be transpiring in our lives (Luke 9:23-24; 2 Corinthians 4:10-12; Galatians 2:20, etc.).

What’s your plan for a special time of fasting and prayer this week? There’s no mystery – you will not overcome the flesh, sin, without being crucified with Christ and there’s no better way than fasting and prayer. It’s the most direct route to being dead, buried, and raised up in the victory Christ alone can grant. Lay it all down, now. Memorize Colossians 3:3 and walk it out.

We simply can’t know just how deep we are buried in pride until we begin to obey God in fasting and prayer. Isaiah 58

Overcoming the flesh, walking in victory requires continually delighting in the LORD, worshipping Him “in spirit and in truth” (John 4:23-24).

“Seek the LORD and his strength, seek his face continually.” 1 Chronicles 16:11

HOW many of us know that the flesh is never going to behave itself, never going to be tamed …. until it’s slain by the cross, crucified?

The flesh IS going to rage, be bent toward and do evil. That’s a given (Romans 7). This is why the cross, the crucifying of the “old man” and putting on “the new man” are essential to God bringing the victory in our lives! (Romans 6-8; Ephesians 4:23-25; Colossians 3:5-10, etc.)

Doesn’t the fact that our flesh does not like the cross, only confirm the need for it? What are the “works of the flesh” that will separate a once saved Christian from God? (Galatians 5:16-21) Though it’s never heard in the apostate modern church world, Jesus commanded the cross in the life of each and every person who would follow Him (Luke 9:23-24). The fact that our flesh hates the cross in no way changes God and what He said concerning the severity in which we are to deal with the flesh, with sin – and the eternal damnation that awaits all who don’t crucify the deeds of the body (Mark 9:42-49; Romans 6; 2 Corinthians 7:1; 1 Peter 1:15-16; Revelation 21:8, 27, etc.). When’s the last time you read the words of Jesus recorded in Mark 9:42-49 and took Jesus at His Word? IF you truly love Him, you will obey Him (John 14:15).

God fully expects for His people to induce, to participate in the crucifixion of our flesh, putting the self-life to death (Isaiah 58; Matthew 6:16; 1 Corinthians 9:27; Galatians 2:20, etc.).

Holiness is not the way to Christ but rather Christ is the way to holiness. Abiding in Christ IS abiding holy – in the divine definition of holy. The key is that holiness is NOT the way to God but rather Christ is the way to holiness, His way, His definition – which is the daily cross (Luke 9:23-24). Abiding fellowship with Christ, on HIS terms, is holiness – being set apart to the LORD, in the LORD (Psalms 4:3; John 15).

Sin is man’s master until Christ is man’s Master (Matthew 6:24).

No one overcomes by accident. Those who love the LORD, truly, not just in mere profession, will seek Him diligently and obey Him and therefore are brought into His victory by Him (Matthew 7:21; 22:37-39; Titus 1:16; 1 John 2:3-6; Revelation 2-3, etc.). The disciple must truly repent and cease all excuses for the sin that displeases God and walk as “MORE than conquerors through him that loved us” (Romans 8:1, 5-6, 13-14; 37, etc.).

Jesus came from Heaven to earth and successfully confronted evil, sin, death, and the devil by going to the cross and defeating them! Read Colossians 2:14-15; Hebrews 2:14-15 and 1 John 3:8. In Christ, with Christ, we defeat death by dying, laying down our lives (Hebrews 2:14-15). And Jesus, who conquered death, hell, sin, Satan, and the grave, sends us to the cross – co-death with Him to defeat all of our sin and Satan also (Luke 9:23-24; Romans 6; 8:29, 37; 2 Corinthians 4:10-12, etc.). His precious blood alone atoned for our sins positionally, and yet to enforce that victory in defeating sin and Satan in our daily lives, Jesus prescribed to us the cross life (the practical).

The only thing we can do about this reality – about the iniquitous fleshly nature – is to crucify it (Galatians 5:16-24). There can be no negotiation.

“Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord.” Romans 6:11

The one way to master sin is bow to Heaven’s Master and let Him master sin! The cross.

BECAUSE JESUS CHRIST ROSE AGAIN, ALL WHO ARE BORN AGAIN IN HIM ARE RAISED UP SPIRITUALLY IN THIS LIFE TO OVERCOME ALL SIN, SATAN, AND THE WORLD, AND WILL SOON be RAISED UP INTO ETERNAL GLORY WITH HEAVEN’S KING.

Rhetorical Question: What’s your fasting and prayer plan beloved? Your answer to this important, prompting question is before you and your LORD….

“I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. 2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.” Romans 12:1-2

You are not serious about overcoming sin if you’re not yet setting apart regular times of fasting and prayer. The fact that you don’t want to fast is the clear proof that you need to fast. Currently, your flesh is in control! Once you are broken, you will delight in, you will look forward to those times of regular fasting! Read Isaiah 58. | The Amazing Benefits of Fasting and Prayer

Times of Fasting and prayer get YOU out of the way so Jesus can reign supreme! Isaiah 58

“For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live. 14 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God.” Romans 8:13-14

“He must increase but I must decrease.” John 3:30

FASTING IS STARVING THE FLESH AND FEEDING THE SPIRIT IN ORDER TO BE BROUGHT BY THE LORD INTO FULL ONENESS WITH HIM AND THE FATHER, AND INTO THE COMPLETE VICTORY AND FRUITFULNESS HE’S ORDAINED YOU TO WALK IN (ISAIAH 58).

Read Romans 6-8.

I am not a good person. Neither are you. “There is none righteous, no, not one” (Romans 3:10). Admit it. The Bible and our own failing experience in this life clearly reveal such to be the case. The sooner we become HONEST with that which is more than obvious, announcing freely and transparently that there is “no good thing” in us except CHRIST, the sooner God will begin a fresh, deeper work in us! See Romans 7:18, 24—the cross!

“For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.” Romans 7:18

“Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds;” Colossians 3:9

The SINNER, the vile wretch I must first and foremost confront, is myself! See Job 19:28; Rom 7:18, 24; Ps 39:4-5 and Eccl 7:20. It’s essential to begin to understand the flesh, the fallen man, the iniquitous old man, in order to realize what we’ve been saved from and what must be crucified daily. The cross is God’s solution, His prescription to “put off the old man with his deeds.”

“That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts;” Ephesians 4:22

The cross subdues the flesh, it separates us from being held captive to the dictates of the old man, the carnal fallen nature.

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After the people disbanded, several came and asked us about further fellowship. The preaching of God’s Word ignited them. A breakfast group fellowship had recently already begun to form, so they were invited.

Life springs out of death – “Thou fool, that which thou sowest is not quickened, except it die” (1 Corinthians 15:36).

Christ’s economy is a cross economy. Here we see that very thing where out of one of His saint’s death and burial, the life of Jesus is at work, raising up others. Life springs out of death (2 Corinthians 4:10-12).

“Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.” Psalms 116:15

“And I heard a voice from heaven saying unto me, Write, Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord from henceforth: Yea, saith the Spirit, that they may rest from their labours; and their works do follow them.” Revelation 14:13

God is so very good, saints. See Psalm 86.

Here’s comfort from “the God of all comfort” for each of you, concerning losing loved ones, namely born again loved ones! You can be assured that they are with Christ and the Father and protected from ANY and ALL danger, forever! See 2 Corinthians 1:2-5, also Revelation 21:4.

“The righteous perisheth, and no man layeth it to heart: and merciful men are taken away, none considering that the righteous is taken away from the evil to come. 2 He shall enter into peace: they shall rest in their beds, each one walking in his uprightness.” Isaiah 57:1-2

Interestingly, the LORD brought together 4 United States Marines/Marine vets in Mexico to bring this to pass….

“Behold, I come as a thief. Blessed is he that watcheth, and keepeth his garments, lest he walk naked, and they see his shame.” Revelation 16:15

The Brevity of Life in this World

“Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.” James 4:14

We all face death and judgment, and the Good News is that Christ’s perfect sacrifice, as we humbly appropriate it, means we are forgiven and will avert the judgment of eternal damnation.

“And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment:” Hebrews 9:27

Our Prayer with Isaiah for God to Prepare and Send Us

It’s the “Here am I; send me” LORD prayer in action! (Isaiah 6:8)

Child of God, are you ready, today, to lift your heart and hands to your Maker and dare to declare this prayer to Him? – “Here am I; send me!”

If you dare to freshly surrender the life God gave you and cry out to Him, get ready beloved for the fruit-bearing adventure of your life! Remember that Abraham was in Haran (means barren, dry, fruit-less) until he was instructed by God to get up and leave. That’s when the promised blessings began to unfold in his life. See the end of Genesis 11 and thereafter.

When you cry out to Him with the prophet Isaiah, the LORD is going to hear, answer, and do things that are utterly miraculous.

“And Jesus looking upon them saith, With men it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible.” Mark 10:27

Just “Go” and watch God! (Mark 16:15). Your life is never more richly blessed by God than when you live by faith, when you surrender afresh and ask Him to take all of you, to prepare and use you.

Isaiah's Call and Commission [podcast]

What did the LORD reveal of Himself to Isaiah? What was the result in Isaiah’s life and ours? When the LORD appeared to him, the prophet Isaiah was shown his own depravity, his own wicked heart, his own unpreparedness. What was his response and how does this relate to us? Are you ready this day to say “Jesus please prepare and use me mightily for Your eternal glory! I love You LORD. I am all Yours! Please do Your deeper work in this life You gave!”? One must be prepared by God to be used by God. “If a man therefore […]

LORD, Prepare Me! [podcast]

“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: 8 for every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8 “He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him.” John 14:21 “Jesus answered and said unto him, If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will […]

Mission Mexico Part 46 [podcast]

Recorded about a week ago: Much has happened since then! Your Love for God is Changing Lives Saints! Clara’s new rental. Brother Allan ministering in the Philippines. Many being reached daily in Mexico. And much more….. Happening now. In progress. Talking to Clara by text right now….. delivered the rent and deposit today. | Clara’s Cry Recently, when bringing more food to Clara and her 3 boys, food from God’s love in and through you, I noticed that her 3 boys were quite dirty and was moved. They were actually filthy. Clara is by nature a very quiet person. So I […]